I hate exercise

Kelly Brooks believes that sex is a form of daily aerobics. Why the hell can't I have Kelly Brooks as part of my daily workout regiment?

Instead, I'm stuck in my dark dingy basement with a skip rope and a smattering of workout equipment. Working out at home is damn near impossible with all the usual temptations nearby, like fried twinkies and disney porn.

I paid a visit to my old Tae Kwon Do school after a 2 month break, and it was like working out in a sauna. I know that "Hot Yoga" is all the craze lately, but this is much different. I'm not sure how I'd market "Hot Tae Kwon Do," but I'd have to do my best to not mention 3 dozen pairs of smelly bare feet whipping by my face and an 8-year old kid puking in the corner from heatstroke.

Kelly Brooks, if you're reading this (and I know you are you sly minx you) I'd like to sign up for your aerobics program. I've been sending you my used workout socks and pictures of myself dressed as Princess Leia for the past 3 months now, but I haven't heard back from you yet.

Call me.